OK so I think my neighborhood has a severe case of identity crisis going on. That or we are secretly auditioning for an open casting call of the Real housewife's of Orange County or perhaps Jersey Shore. It depend upon which day and who's doing the auditioning! We moved into this neighborhood about 2 months ago despite having heard some "rumors" that the neighborhood had a certain reputation for being a little bit of a party neighborhood. At one point we had almost signed on a completely different lot in a different neighborhood, but I loved the location of this neighborhood, the tree lined streets and I liked the builder that we could only have if we bought this particular lot in this particular neighborhood. So despite the story's I heard of catty house wives who fill the exuberant amount of time they have on there hands by sleeping with each other husbands, engaging in petty sorority girl fights and walking around looking like a bleached and plucked barbie... I dove head first into the shallow water with no regards to the do not dive sign!
Although I have noticed from the time that we moved in that I was the only mommy driving her child to school in a mini van I don't think it dawned on me until today just how out of place I really did look! My sons school is located in our neighborhood so it doesn't take that long to get there but in the short 5 minute drive it did take I passed at least 8 hummers, all decked out with wheels that jacked the car so far off the ground that I don't know how any human being could get in little lone a child. If you were not driving a Hummer you could most likely categorize your car into one of the following
Escalade
Land Rover
Lexus SUV
or some other large gas guzzling SUV
Upon arriving at the school I started taking note of all the Mommy's walking there children in. Is there a playboy convention in town or did I just miss the memo that this was "drop your child off to school in stilettos day". There is no humanly way that any of these women rolled out of bed looking like this when they woke up. Most days I drive my son to school I'm lucky if I have time to change out of my pajama pants and throw my hair in a pony tail. My daily showers don't take place until after my laundry's done, dishes are cleared and I've managed to put every toilet seat in the house back into its correct position. Shit my husband considers it an act of foreplay if I shave my legs every time I take a shower. What planet are these women from. How do they have time for this? Is there a new breed of Mommy's that I'm not aware of? Everyone of them looked like they had just come from the beauty salon where they were waxed lazared, botoxed and tanned. Hell here I was giving myself props that I had managed to brush my teeth and find matching socks before I left the house and the lady in front of me literally has lips that arrive 10 seconds before the rest of her face.
And worse than the fact that all these women seem to have nothing better to do than wake up at 5am to get dressed up to take their children to school is the fact that they all seem very superficial and mean. I waved at one lady walking in front of my car the other day only to have her snub her nose back at me. What a bitch. By the way... Your nose job looks fake and your boobs are too big for your anorexic body. Ye aha I'm pretty sure I missed the part of our neighborhood covenants that read unless you are a Busty, blond ,judgemental busy body you wont fit in here.
I have to go I have parent teacher conferences tonight and if I have any hope of looking like I fitting in, I'm going to have to start right now... oh who the hell am I kidding I'm going to watch Murray and eat bon bons!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
What we'll do for our Kids and gold fish!!
About six months ago My youngest son Brady started getting really into fish. I think it might have had something to do with Elmo's fish Dorthy because it was right around this time that he started watching Elmo as well. Every place we went that had a fish tank we had to stop and talk to the fish, admire the fish point out all the Nemos and Dorry's, Read books about fish, color pictures of fish, visit the fish at the zoo and the pet shop and well you get the picture. So my two older boys thought that it would be a great idea to get Brady a Fish Tank with some fish For Christmas.
They planned it all out by themselves took there own money. They had my husband Jeff drive them to the store and gave him strict orders to stay in the car while they went into Pet Smart to buy the fish. They decided that they would set the tank in his room Christmas Eve night so that when he woke up that morning the fish would be the first thing he saw.
It worked! About 6:45 AM you heard a thud like always as he jumped out of his little fire engine bed and then loud almost confusing screams of.. I GOT FISH?? I GOT FISH?? I G O T F I S H!!!!!!!
Everyday since he can be found in his room at least a dozen times a day talking to his fish, discussing the weather with his fish, showing his fish his newest toys or shoes. Because he is only three and a half we had to explain to him at first...that fish do not like to be pulled up by there tails, or petted like dogs, that feeding them pizza is NOT OK and that they don't need soap in the tank to take baths.. they get clean in other ways. But none the less he loved having his own pets and I loved not having to clean up after the pet or walk it so this was a win win situation.
Until a few days ago when Brady came walking into my Bathroom
B: Mom
M: yes Brady
B I fink somethings wrong with Flipper
M: You didn't pull him out did you?
B: No
M: did you put something in there?
B: No
M: Well then whats wrong with him?
B He's Stuck
M: Stuck?
B: Ya ya he's stuck in the sucky thing
So I walked into his room and sure enough... there was flipper dead and sticking to the filter.
B: See See flipper got stuck
"oh yeaha I see" I said as I squinted my eyes looking closer. "Hes not dead mom see his eyes are open, he's just stuck" and he ran out of the room.
Crap, what should I do I thought. The behavior psychologist in me thought, well this is as good a time as any to explain to him that Flipper got sick and died because fish don't have a very long life expectancy. Or I could just lie and tell him that flipper was indeed stuck and we'd get him out later. I know I know what your thinking, what are you going to do when his dog dies or worse yet his Grandma right?. Are you going to go replacing these things as well. And my honest answer is yes I would If I could. But come on now this is a fish and he's three. The world is full of plenty of other things I can traumatize him with before hes 18 and moves out.
As I contemplating all these thoughts on what to say to him he comes walking back in his room with a toilet plunger.
M: what are you doing?
B: I'm going to unstick Flipper
M: Ahhh no your not
B: Can you unstick Flipper?
M: Honey Flipper is to small for that plunger. I don't think that will work.
B: Well maybe we can get a fork and poke him out.
M: I think maybe a fork would hurt flipper if we started poking him with it.
B: well how are we going to get flipper out of the sucky thing then?
M: I think we should wait for daddy.
Jeff was out of town and and wouldn't be home until 11:00 but I assured him before he went to bed that night that as soon as daddy gets home he will free flipper.
By 11:30 PM flipper was stuffed into a zip lock bag and stored safely in my purse.
"Why are you putting him in a zip lock? Jeff asked. " So that I can take it with me to find another one that looks like him" I said. "DUH"! "You Know your sick, right?" Jeff asked.
The next morning there was a thud followed by "MOM!!!!!!!!!!! Flippers gone he got out". " No no honey, daddy took flipper to the Doctor to get looked at and I'm going to pick him up today and bring him back before you get home from preschool. "Can I come with you to get him at the doctor"?
" Um mm no I think they'll be closed by then". "Is the Doctor going to give Flipper a shot"? " No " I said I'm pretty sure that won't be necessary."
So I waited for Taylor my oldest son to get out of school so that he could go with me. "We have to make sure they look exactly alike I told him." "Mom its a gold fish, they all look alike".
When we got to the first pet store I found a teenage boy who worked there and pulled the fish out of my purse. I explained the situation as it was and told him "We need another fish that looks Exactly like this one".
" Ahhh " he said. " well we don't have any fish like that but we have white and black gold fish" Hm mm apparently the kid didn't understand the definition of "exactly" the same. " No " I said "I'm pretty sure my 3 year old will notice a difference between an all gold colored fish and one that looks like a Dalmatian puppy", but thanks.
So we left. Next we tried Pet co. I was determined to succeed. The complete happiness of a three year old child hung in the balance as I searched for this stupid fish. So once again I found another teenage boy pulled the dead fish out in my handy dandy zip Lock bag and told him the story. The more times I did this the more I was becoming aware of just how absurd I was but I didn't care. "I need another fish exactly like this one" I said.
"wow Is that the dead fish" he asked? No its alive idiot... apparently fish can now live in water and zip Lock bags. Who knew. Someone should contact zip lock immediately as this could be a HUGE marketing tool to a target audience they have been completely over looking!
"I've never had anyone bring in a dead fish in a bag before" Yes well, if only he knew me he'd know this is actually one of the more sane things I've done.
Luckily for the next poor dude at the next pet store we didn't have to go any further because they had a whole tank full of all gold goldfish. "I need it to be about this size please." How about this one"? " No that's to small, I need a bigger one". " OK how about this little dude" he asked. " No still to small" I said. I'm pretty sure he spent the next five minutes rethinking that decision to skip college and work in pet shop as he frantically tried to scoop just the right size fish into a half broken net for seven dollars an hour. See its not just my son I'm helping here. I saved that poor boys future. We finally got one that was still small but close enough. I paid the boy his 32 cents with tax and was on my merry insane way. It was getting late so I sent Jeff a quick text to let him know that covert operation save flipper was complete and make sure he didn't arrive home before I could put the "new and improved flipper" back into the tank.
When they did arrive home the first thing Brady did was ask if flipper was back. "Yep I said I just brought him home and he's up in the tank safe and happy"
He threw down his coat and headed up to check on flipper. As we walked up the steps to his room Jeff asked me " did you get another one just like him"? "Ahh" Close enough I said. He's a little smaller, but he won't notice". Just as the words came out of my mouth I hear " oh NO mom... the doctor must have left some of Flipper in the sucky thing because he got smaller!"
And Ladies and Gentleman .... welcome to my life!
They planned it all out by themselves took there own money. They had my husband Jeff drive them to the store and gave him strict orders to stay in the car while they went into Pet Smart to buy the fish. They decided that they would set the tank in his room Christmas Eve night so that when he woke up that morning the fish would be the first thing he saw.
It worked! About 6:45 AM you heard a thud like always as he jumped out of his little fire engine bed and then loud almost confusing screams of.. I GOT FISH?? I GOT FISH?? I G O T F I S H!!!!!!!
Everyday since he can be found in his room at least a dozen times a day talking to his fish, discussing the weather with his fish, showing his fish his newest toys or shoes. Because he is only three and a half we had to explain to him at first...that fish do not like to be pulled up by there tails, or petted like dogs, that feeding them pizza is NOT OK and that they don't need soap in the tank to take baths.. they get clean in other ways. But none the less he loved having his own pets and I loved not having to clean up after the pet or walk it so this was a win win situation.
Until a few days ago when Brady came walking into my Bathroom
B: Mom
M: yes Brady
B I fink somethings wrong with Flipper
M: You didn't pull him out did you?
B: No
M: did you put something in there?
B: No
M: Well then whats wrong with him?
B He's Stuck
M: Stuck?
B: Ya ya he's stuck in the sucky thing
So I walked into his room and sure enough... there was flipper dead and sticking to the filter.
B: See See flipper got stuck
"oh yeaha I see" I said as I squinted my eyes looking closer. "Hes not dead mom see his eyes are open, he's just stuck" and he ran out of the room.
Crap, what should I do I thought. The behavior psychologist in me thought, well this is as good a time as any to explain to him that Flipper got sick and died because fish don't have a very long life expectancy. Or I could just lie and tell him that flipper was indeed stuck and we'd get him out later. I know I know what your thinking, what are you going to do when his dog dies or worse yet his Grandma right?. Are you going to go replacing these things as well. And my honest answer is yes I would If I could. But come on now this is a fish and he's three. The world is full of plenty of other things I can traumatize him with before hes 18 and moves out.
As I contemplating all these thoughts on what to say to him he comes walking back in his room with a toilet plunger.
M: what are you doing?
B: I'm going to unstick Flipper
M: Ahhh no your not
B: Can you unstick Flipper?
M: Honey Flipper is to small for that plunger. I don't think that will work.
B: Well maybe we can get a fork and poke him out.
M: I think maybe a fork would hurt flipper if we started poking him with it.
B: well how are we going to get flipper out of the sucky thing then?
M: I think we should wait for daddy.
Jeff was out of town and and wouldn't be home until 11:00 but I assured him before he went to bed that night that as soon as daddy gets home he will free flipper.
By 11:30 PM flipper was stuffed into a zip lock bag and stored safely in my purse.
"Why are you putting him in a zip lock? Jeff asked. " So that I can take it with me to find another one that looks like him" I said. "DUH"! "You Know your sick, right?" Jeff asked.
The next morning there was a thud followed by "MOM!!!!!!!!!!! Flippers gone he got out". " No no honey, daddy took flipper to the Doctor to get looked at and I'm going to pick him up today and bring him back before you get home from preschool. "Can I come with you to get him at the doctor"?
" Um mm no I think they'll be closed by then". "Is the Doctor going to give Flipper a shot"? " No " I said I'm pretty sure that won't be necessary."
So I waited for Taylor my oldest son to get out of school so that he could go with me. "We have to make sure they look exactly alike I told him." "Mom its a gold fish, they all look alike".
When we got to the first pet store I found a teenage boy who worked there and pulled the fish out of my purse. I explained the situation as it was and told him "We need another fish that looks Exactly like this one".
" Ahhh " he said. " well we don't have any fish like that but we have white and black gold fish" Hm mm apparently the kid didn't understand the definition of "exactly" the same. " No " I said "I'm pretty sure my 3 year old will notice a difference between an all gold colored fish and one that looks like a Dalmatian puppy", but thanks.
So we left. Next we tried Pet co. I was determined to succeed. The complete happiness of a three year old child hung in the balance as I searched for this stupid fish. So once again I found another teenage boy pulled the dead fish out in my handy dandy zip Lock bag and told him the story. The more times I did this the more I was becoming aware of just how absurd I was but I didn't care. "I need another fish exactly like this one" I said.
"wow Is that the dead fish" he asked? No its alive idiot... apparently fish can now live in water and zip Lock bags. Who knew. Someone should contact zip lock immediately as this could be a HUGE marketing tool to a target audience they have been completely over looking!
"I've never had anyone bring in a dead fish in a bag before" Yes well, if only he knew me he'd know this is actually one of the more sane things I've done.
Luckily for the next poor dude at the next pet store we didn't have to go any further because they had a whole tank full of all gold goldfish. "I need it to be about this size please." How about this one"? " No that's to small, I need a bigger one". " OK how about this little dude" he asked. " No still to small" I said. I'm pretty sure he spent the next five minutes rethinking that decision to skip college and work in pet shop as he frantically tried to scoop just the right size fish into a half broken net for seven dollars an hour. See its not just my son I'm helping here. I saved that poor boys future. We finally got one that was still small but close enough. I paid the boy his 32 cents with tax and was on my merry insane way. It was getting late so I sent Jeff a quick text to let him know that covert operation save flipper was complete and make sure he didn't arrive home before I could put the "new and improved flipper" back into the tank.
When they did arrive home the first thing Brady did was ask if flipper was back. "Yep I said I just brought him home and he's up in the tank safe and happy"
He threw down his coat and headed up to check on flipper. As we walked up the steps to his room Jeff asked me " did you get another one just like him"? "Ahh" Close enough I said. He's a little smaller, but he won't notice". Just as the words came out of my mouth I hear " oh NO mom... the doctor must have left some of Flipper in the sucky thing because he got smaller!"
And Ladies and Gentleman .... welcome to my life!
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